Jokes

געשמאקע ארטיקלן און בילדער וכדו'

די אחראים: אחראי, געלעגער

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תגובות: 14168
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
לאקאציע: אקעגען חמרא טבא

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דינסטאג נובעמבער 12, 2019 3:27 pm

/
***********דער ציפער האלט שוין העכער 14000***********

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שר עשרת אלפים
תגובות: 14168
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
לאקאציע: אקעגען חמרא טבא

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דינסטאג נובעמבער 12, 2019 3:27 pm

Joke-Photo.jpg
Joke-Photo.jpg (33.73 KiB) געזעהן 3449 מאל
***********דער ציפער האלט שוין העכער 14000***********

אוועטאר
קיקיון
שר עשרת אלפים
תגובות: 14168
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
לאקאציע: אקעגען חמרא טבא

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג דעצמבער 05, 2019 9:33 am

While driving through the city, Sam was pulled over for a random security check. The elderly police office checked his driver’s license and said, “You’re wearing glasses on your license photo, and you’re not now. I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“But officer,” Sam quickly interrupted, “I have contacts.”

“Look sonny,” said the officer, “I don’t care who you know - you’re getting a ticket.”



Sylvia and Susan were taking a lunch break together. Sylvia, a real go-getter, was bothered by Susan’s laid back attitude and her habit of always putting off work until the last moment. She finally worked up the courage and asked her co-worker, “Susan, why do you always tend to put off till tomorrow what you can do today?”

“Well,” Susan explained, “this way if I get fired today, I won’t have to do it at all!”


Little Johnny and his family lived out in the country, and as a result they seldom had guests. So, when his father showed up one day with two dinner guests from the office, Johnny was thrilled and eager to help his mother.

When the dinner was nearly over, Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who then promptly passed it to a guest. Then, Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and again gave it to his father, only to see him immediately hand it to another guest as he did before.

By this time, little Johnny was quite frustrated. “It’s no use, Dad,” he finally piped up, “the pieces are all the same size.”


Libby entered the bank and approached the only teller working at the time. Handing her the bank withdrawal slip of $400, Libby requested, “May I have large bills, please?”

The teller looked up and replied, “I’m sorry, ma’am, all the bills are the same size.”



Morris needed a long column of figures to be added up for a sales presentation that he was supposed to give later on that afternoon.

“Sharon,” hesaid to his secretary, “please add up these figures for me and make sure you check that the total is correct. It’s for an important meeting and the information must be accurate. It might be a good idea to add up the column and check the total three times to be absolutely sure.”

“Ok, sir,” Sharon replied.

One hour later, Sharon went over to Morris and said, “Here is what you asked me to do, sir.”

“Thank you, Sharon,” Morris said. “Did you check it like I asked you to do?”

“Yes, sir, three times,” replied Sharon. “And here are the three answers...”


One Friday afternoon, when Katy received her paycheck, she noticed that it was for much more than it was supposed to be. Letting her greed get the best of her, she decided not to say anything and cashed it at the bank. The following week, her check was forless than the normal amount, and so she confronted her boss to ask for the rest of her salary.

“How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unruffled, Katy replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not twoin a row!”



The phone in Roger’s home rang late at night. Looking at the caller ID, he saw that it was from a blocked number. Against his better judgment, he answered it anyway.

“Hi this is Natalie from Acme Collections Corporation,” says the woman caller. “Can I speak with Roger Johnson, please?”

“I’m sorry,” Roger said politely, “but you’ve got the wrong number.”

“Are you sure?” asked the caller.

“Listen lady,” Roger replied as he began to feel a little agitated, “have I ever lied to you before?”



A boy asks his father to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

The father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, “Can I speak to
Alf, please?”

“No! There's no one called Alf here.” The person hangs up.

“That’s irritation,” says the father.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks forAlf a second time.

“No, there’s no one here called Alf,” the voice on the other end says. “If you call again I will call the police.”

“That’s aggravation,” the father points out to the boy.

“Then what’s ‘frustration’?” asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time. “Hello, this is Alf,” he says. “Have I received any phone calls?”

Shloimie Rabinowitz told all of his friends about the great corned beef sandwich he'd eaten at Yitz’s Deli the day before. So, a group of his friends decided to join him and see if was really as large and delicious as Shloimie was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the deli. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic corned beef sandwiches.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest corned beef sandwiches they'd ever seen.

“What is going on here?!” Shloimie exclaimed to the waiter. “Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, corned beef sandwich. Today, though, when I have my friends
with me, you serve small miniature corned beef sandwiches! What’s the deal?ˮ

“It’s very simple sir,ˮreplied the waiter. “Yesterday you were sitting by the window.ˮ
***********דער ציפער האלט שוין העכער 14000***********

אוועטאר
הויעך
שר האלפיים
תגובות: 2172
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג מארטש 03, 2019 11:50 am
לאקאציע: ביי די F5 קנעפל, ביי די געזעהן..... מאל אשכול

תגובהדורך הויעך » פרייטאג דעצמבער 06, 2019 5:07 am

פיינע סחורה שכויעך קיקיון
האסטו שוין געזעהן דעם אשכול?

אוועטאר
גרשון
שר האלפיים
תגובות: 2365
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג פאברואר 18, 2019 11:01 pm

תגובהדורך גרשון » דאנארשטאג דעצמבער 19, 2019 2:57 pm

פון אן אנגעווייטאגטן IT ספעציאליסט...

If I treated my mechanic the way users treat us...

Me: My Car is broken.

Mech: What seems to be the issue with it?

Me: It’s broken

Mech: could you be a little more specific?

Me: It won’t turn on.

Mech: Ok could you put the key in the ignition and turn tell me if you see any warning lights on the dash?

Me: You know I don’t know any of this car stuff, can’t you come here and do it?

Mech: I think you can put the key in the ignition yourself, just put it in and let me know what you see.

Me: Sigh... ok I did it and I don’t see any warning lights but the radio turned on.

Mech: Ok your battery is probably fine then, cou-

Me: want me to drive it around the block and see if any lights come on?

Mech: I thought you said it wouldn’t start?

Me: Oh, well you know what I mean. It won’t go the other way.

Mech: The other way?

Me: yeah you know it goes one way then sometimes the other way.

Mech: You mean it won’t go in reverse?

Me: Yeah that’s it! Make it go in reverse.

Mech: have you changed gears to Reverse?

Me: Dave normally does that for me and he’s not here today.

Mech: Dave changes your car to reverse every single time you need to?

Me: Yeah he’s not here, can you do it?

Mech: If you’re going to be driving, you really need to know how to do that yourself. Here, I’ll walk you through it.

Me: I’m way to busy to learn that right now. Sorry I gotta go to a meeting. Just run to my car and put it in reverse before I get back.
מיט אזויפיל ביכער, אויסגאבעס, גליונות, בראשורן, קאמפיינס, און ווירטואלע ארטיקלען, וואקסט דער אידישער ליטעראטור ווי אויף הייוון. וואס וועט זיין מיט א אידישן ספעל טשעקער?

אוועטאר
קיקיון
שר עשרת אלפים
תגובות: 14168
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
לאקאציע: אקעגען חמרא טבא

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך מאי 06, 2020 3:56 pm

Tech Support Soldier
One of Microsoft’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to army basic training camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his hand over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand, blowing a hole right through his palm. Without hesitation, he then yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”
***********דער ציפער האלט שוין העכער 14000***********

אוועטאר
קיקיון
שר עשרת אלפים
תגובות: 14168
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
לאקאציע: אקעגען חמרא טבא

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך מאי 06, 2020 4:11 pm

87
One Friday night, Rabbi Joseph told his congregation, “Tomorrow, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying. To help you understand it better, I would like you all to read Vayikra chapter 28 before Shachris tomorrow morning.”

The next day, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Joseph asked his congregation, “How many of you have read Vayikra 28?”

Most hands went up.

Rabbi Joseph smiled and said, “Vayikra has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
***********דער ציפער האלט שוין העכער 14000***********

אוועטאר
זיידע ומומחה
שר חמישים ומאתים
תגובות: 271
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג פאברואר 12, 2012 11:09 am

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך זיידע ומומחה » מאנטאג אוגוסט 24, 2020 2:36 pm


אוועטאר
זיידע ומומחה
שר חמישים ומאתים
תגובות: 271
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג פאברואר 12, 2012 11:09 am

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך זיידע ומומחה » מאנטאג אוגוסט 24, 2020 3:00 pm


אוועטאר
באטעמטקייטן
שר שלשת אלפים
תגובות: 3464
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג אוגוסט 23, 2020 4:56 pm
לאקאציע: עראונד דע קארנער

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך באטעמטקייטן » מיטוואך אוגוסט 26, 2020 9:12 pm

און ליכט פון דעם אז די מוסדות גיין סטאפ צו טיילען עסן,
קומט אריין די נייעס אז גאלדן פלאו האט געפיילט אונ-עמפלוימענט אויף צוויי
טויזנט פון זייערע קיען.
טעמו וראו כי...
לאמיר מאכן ניו יארק פאר א אינספערירטע ניו יארק! ווערט אינספערירד היינט!

דאס לעבן איז ווי א באנאנא! ס'איז געל. צובויגן. ארומגענומען מיט שאלאכטץ. אין נאר מאנקי'ס האבן עס ליב!


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קיקיון
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תגובות: 14168
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
לאקאציע: אקעגען חמרא טבא

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך קיקיון » פרייטאג נובעמבער 13, 2020 7:33 am

Untitled.jpg
Untitled.jpg (50.55 KiB) געזעהן 1634 מאל
***********דער ציפער האלט שוין העכער 14000***********

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גרויסע עם הארץ
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תגובות: 9697
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דינסטאג יולי 24, 2018 9:17 pm

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך גרויסע עם הארץ » פרייטאג נובעמבער 13, 2020 9:52 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

אוועטאר
אלטער
שר שבעת אלפים
תגובות: 7792
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דינסטאג ינואר 14, 2020 12:44 pm
לאקאציע: אין בהמ"ד ביים קאווע שטיבל

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך אלטער » פרייטאג נובעמבער 13, 2020 10:29 am

;l;p- ;l;p- ;l;p- ;l;p-
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
ווען איך וואלט געוועזן רייך,
וואלט איך געהאט ניסיונות גאר גאר אסאך,
איך דארף נישט קיין פאר מיליאן,
און באשעפער וועסטו זען וואס איך קאן.

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געשיקטער
שר חמש מאות
תגובות: 712
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג מארטש 26, 2017 7:47 am

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך געשיקטער » פרייטאג נובעמבער 13, 2020 10:42 am

30102018.jpg
30102018.jpg (150.21 KiB) געזעהן 1578 מאל

אוועטאר
קיקיון
שר עשרת אלפים
תגובות: 14168
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
לאקאציע: אקעגען חמרא טבא

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מוצ"ש נובעמבער 14, 2020 8:05 pm

After my friend landed a coveted job with DHL, we went out to lunch to celebrate. As we were sitting in the restaurant he was contacted by the company’s human resources department with an urgent request to complete and send back some forms. “No problem,” he said, “I’ll FedEx them right over!”
***********דער ציפער האלט שוין העכער 14000***********

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סטאוו יא פיטא
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תגובות: 9679
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג מאי 07, 2020 9:24 am

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך סטאוו יא פיטא » זונטאג נובעמבער 15, 2020 1:40 am

;l;p-

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געשיקטער
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תגובות: 712
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג מארטש 26, 2017 7:47 am

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך געשיקטער » מאנטאג נובעמבער 16, 2020 3:41 pm

Screenshot 2020-11-16 14.56.10.jpg
Screenshot 2020-11-16 14.56.10.jpg (81.4 KiB) געזעהן 1274 מאל

יענקל יאזעפאוויטש
שר העשר
תגובות: 27
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג נובעמבער 02, 2020 2:15 pm

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך יענקל יאזעפאוויטש » מאנטאג נובעמבער 16, 2020 5:38 pm

באטעמטקייטן האט געשריבן:און ליכט פון דעם אז די מוסדות גיין סטאפ צו טיילען עסן,
קומט אריין די נייעס אז גאלדן פלאו האט געפיילט אונ-עמפלוימענט אויף צוויי
טויזנט פון זייערע קיען.

פארוועם האבן זיינע קיען געוואוט?

אוועטאר
קווערטי
שר חמישים
תגובות: 88
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מיטוואך אפריל 28, 2010 1:10 pm

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך קווערטי » מאנטאג נובעמבער 16, 2020 6:30 pm

געשיקטער האט געשריבן:
Screenshot 2020-11-16 14.56.10.jpg

!Good :grin:

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scy4851
שר ששת אלפים
תגובות: 6708
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דינסטאג ינואר 29, 2008 11:57 am
לאקאציע: אפשר קען איינער מיר זאגען וויא!

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך scy4851 » מאנטאג נובעמבער 30, 2020 2:07 pm

CPR is the human equivalent of hitting a machine until it works again.

credit: AJ
the SCY is the limit

אוועטאר
קיקיון
שר עשרת אלפים
תגובות: 14168
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
לאקאציע: אקעגען חמרא טבא

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג דעצמבער 03, 2020 12:36 am

As the students began their final exam in science, little Tommy was nervous because he didn’t know most of the answers. Not wanting to fail, Tommy decided to copy all the answers off the boy sitting in front of him – the smartest boy in the class. When the test was over, Tommy handed the test to the teacher, confident that he did very well, but feeling bad that he cheated for the first time. As the teacher flipped through the tests, she noticed Tommy’s paper and called him up to her desk.

“Tommy,” she said, “It looks like you failed this test.”

“Failed?!” Tommy exclaimed. “How could I have failed, I’ll bet I answered every question right.”

“Not exactly,” the teacher said. “You answered the first question wrong and that was the most important.”

“Really? What was the first question and what did I answer?” Tommy asked.

“The first question,” the teacher answered slowly, “was, ‘Name’ and your answer was ‘Walter Bernstein.’”
-------------------------------------------------------------

Phil was exhausted. His wife had just given birth and he had to watch their three older children for a few days. Although it was only for two hours a day, Phil was at his wits’ end and he had a splitting headache. Looking for some relief, he brought the kids over to his parents’ home for a visit. As soon as his father saw him, he noticed his poor condition.

“Phil, you look terrible,” he observed. “Why don’t I get you some aspirin?”

“No thanks, Dad,” Phil replied. “I just took two aspirins.”

“Well, it seems you didn’t follow the instructions,” his father said. Dad brought Phil a bottle and showed him the small print: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
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Rav Morris, the Rebbe was always so involved in the text he was teaching that he practically never looked up at his students. He would call on a student for explanation, and without realizing it, he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the students wouldn’t point this out to him.

After being called on four days in a row, an exasperated Nathan asked advice from his friends who came up with a fool-proof plan.

The next day when the teacher said, “Nathan, explain,” Nathan confidently replied, “Sorry, Rebbi, but Nathan is absent today.”

“All right,” said the teacher. “…so then you explain.”
-------------------------------------------------------------


The teacher was collecting homework assignments from everyone in row four. When she passed Amy, she saw there was no paper on the desk, and she gave the young girl a disappointed look.

“Amy, where is your homework? This is the third time this week…”

Amy looked up innocently at the teacher and said, “But I followed your instructions exactly. You said the homework was ‘a piece of cake.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I gave it to my baby brother to eat.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

After suffering from a miserable cold for a week, Jeff visited his doctor and begged for relief. The doctor prescribed a pill, but it didn’t work. A week later, Jeff returned to the doctor, who gave him a shot. With no improvement in his condition and sicker than ever, Jeff visited the doctor a third time and said, “I’ve tried two medications you prescribed so far and neither of them helped. So before you recommend another treatment, you had better be sure it’s the right one.”

“Okay then, this is what I want you to do,” the doctor said. “Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”

“But I’ll get pneumonia!” protested Jeff.

“Exactly,” the doctor answered, “that I know how to treat!”

-------------------------------------------------------------

My wife recently ran into the housekeeper who used to clean our house many years ago and was surprised to hear that she was still at it, despite her advanced age. “How do you manage to do all the strenuous work housekeeping entails?” my wife asked.

“I do housework for clients who can’t see the dirt any better than I can,” she replied.

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Upon entering a local burger joint, Jason ordered a burger with a tomatoes and “minimal lettuce.” The woman behind the counter apologetically replied, “Sorry, but we only have iceberg lettuce.”

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My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.


During our home renovation, my wife was watching me drive in some nails. “You hammer like lightning,” she said.

“Really?” I replied, flattered.

“Yes, really…you never strike the same place twice.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

A motorist was speeding down the highway when a cop caught up with him and ticketed him for speeding. “What am I supposed to do with this?” the motorist grumbled as the policeman handed him the speeding ticket.

“Keep it,” the cop said. “When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

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Teacher: Billy, how do you spell “crocodile”?
Billy: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: No, that’s incorrect.
Billy: Maybe you think so, but you asked me how I spell it.

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Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with Sarah’s view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waiter walked away, he slipped on a wet spot on the floor. “How about that?” she observed dryly. “Our server is down.”
***********דער ציפער האלט שוין העכער 14000***********

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קיקיון
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תגובות: 14168
זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
לאקאציע: אקעגען חמרא טבא

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך ינואר 06, 2021 12:51 pm

SERIOUS LOCKDOWN ADVICE..I think!

Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!

I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my tea, and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant!

In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out!

The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up! But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon!

The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said goodbye 2020. I-was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!”

We will survive!!
***********דער ציפער האלט שוין העכער 14000***********

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג ינואר 05, 2017 3:49 pm
לאקאציע: 50°18′N 21°4′E

תגובהדורך סטיטשינער » מיטוואך ינואר 06, 2021 1:28 pm

אייזן גוט!!

און א דאנק פארן ארויף ברענגן די אשכול, אזוי האב איך אריין געכאפט די פריערדיגע אויך..

קומט זיך א גרינע פאר אלע פון זיי..
אנטשולדיגט, אבער איך וויל בעסער ווארטן אויף מנחה קטנה.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג סעפטעמבער 04, 2017 6:18 pm
לאקאציע: אפן וועג צום ארבייט
פארבינד זיך:

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך כאניש וואס צו טון » מיטוואך ינואר 06, 2021 1:30 pm

;l;p- ;l;p-
פרייץ א חלה טאנצט און קוועלט, עס קומט דער תורה אויף דער וועלט.
(ר' יו"ט עהרליך)

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג נובעמבער 07, 2019 10:58 pm

Re: Jokes

תגובהדורך נקודהלע » מיטוואך ינואר 06, 2021 1:31 pm

כאניש וואס צו טון האט געשריבן:;l;p- ;l;p-

כאניש, אפשר מאכן מיר אן ענגליש - עברית דיעל. טייטש מיר איבער... ס'שמעקט גוט, אבער כ'האב נישט קיין געדולד זיך צו ברעכן ס'אויגן...
ימים ידברו האט זיך קיינמאל געזאגט אזוי ריכטיג ווי היינט


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