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Jokes
די אחראים: יאנאש,אחראי,געלעגער
- קיקיון
- שר עשרת אלפים
- תגובות: 15939
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
- לאקאציע: אדערע זייט שאך ברעט פון חמרא טבא
A Gabbai approaches a guest in the synagogue and says,
“I want to give you an Aliyah. What’s your name?”
The man answers, “Rifka
bat Jacob.”
The Gabbai says, “No, I need your name.”
The man says, “I told you, it’s Rifka bat Jacob.”
The Gabbai asks, “How can that be your name?”
The man replies, “I've recently been in some serious financial difficulties and so everything is now in my wife's name.”
[“I want to give you an Aliyah. What’s your name?”
The man answers, “Rifka
bat Jacob.”
The Gabbai says, “No, I need your name.”
The man says, “I told you, it’s Rifka bat Jacob.”
The Gabbai asks, “How can that be your name?”
The man replies, “I've recently been in some serious financial difficulties and so everything is now in my wife's name.”
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- שר חמש מאות
- תגובות: 548
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: דינסטאג יאנואר 05, 2016 2:10 pm
- Greenwald Graphics
- שר מאה
- תגובות: 141
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג אקטאבער 30, 2017 2:32 am
- לאקאציע: אין מיין אופיס
איךביןאיך האט געשריבן:My Last Job Interview
OFFICER:- What is your name?
Me :- M.P. sir
OFFICER:- In full please
Me:- Marvin Paul
OFFICER:- Your father's name?
Me:- M.P. sir
OFFICER:- What does that mean?
Me:- Martin Paul
OFFICER:- What is your qualification?
Me:- M.P.
OFFICER:- (angry) What is that?!!!
Me:- Maths and Physics
OFFICER:- So why do you need a job?
Me:- It is because of M.P. sir
OFFICER: Meaning?
Me:- Money Problem
OFFICER:- Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? What's your personality like?
Me: MP sir.
OFFICER: And what is that?
Me:- Marvelous Personality
OFFICER:- I see... I will get back to you.
Me:- Sir, how was M.P. sir?
OFFICER:- And what's that again?
Me:- My Performance.
OFFICER:- I think you have M.P.
Me:- What’s that?
OFFICER:- Mental Problem!!!
Don't laugh alone.
Send this to M.P. (Many People)
שקויעך קיקיון פאר'ן פארעכטען דעם אויסלייג
Good!
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- Greenwald Graphics
- שר מאה
- תגובות: 141
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג אקטאבער 30, 2017 2:32 am
- לאקאציע: אין מיין אופיס
- Greenwald Graphics
- שר מאה
- תגובות: 141
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג אקטאבער 30, 2017 2:32 am
- לאקאציע: אין מיין אופיס
נחום וואהלינער האט געשריבן:I cant vouch for the authenticity of this story, but they say that when Al Gore lost his presidential bid to George W. Bush, his jewish running mate, Joe Lieberman, was obviously a little disappointed. But his wife consoled him, saying, "Joe, dont worry. Here at home you will always be the vice president!"
credit: Rav Fishel Shechter/Hamodia
אויף א שיף רופט מען עס second mate
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- שר חמש מאות
- תגובות: 548
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: דינסטאג יאנואר 05, 2016 2:10 pm
- קיקיון
- שר עשרת אלפים
- תגובות: 15939
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
- לאקאציע: אדערע זייט שאך ברעט פון חמרא טבא
AN ANCIENT JOKE'
Speaking of the former Soviet Union: A man in Kiev in 1952 gets a letter from Moscow's CSBMV (Central Soviet Bureau of Motor Vehicles). At last, his request to buy a car has been approved.
Immediately, he calls Kiev's CDLDA (Central Department of Licencing and Distribution of Automobiles) and is given an appointment for Tuesday, October 3, 1963.
"Morning or Afternoon?" he asks.
"Tavahrisch!" laughs the official. "That's ten years from now! What difference is it to you if you come in the morning or the afternoon?"
"Well," says the man, "the plumber's coming in the morning..."
Immediately, he calls Kiev's CDLDA (Central Department of Licencing and Distribution of Automobiles) and is given an appointment for Tuesday, October 3, 1963.
"Morning or Afternoon?" he asks.
"Tavahrisch!" laughs the official. "That's ten years from now! What difference is it to you if you come in the morning or the afternoon?"
"Well," says the man, "the plumber's coming in the morning..."
Old Mrs. Feinberg came to the hospital to visit a friend. Mrs. Feinberg was one of the lucky ones. As old as she was, she was extremely healthy, never visiting the hospital. In fact, she had not been in a hospital for so many years that she was somewhat ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
“Oy, I would hate to be hooked up to that thing,”
Mrs. Feinberg said.
“So, would I,” replied the technician.
“What is it?” asked Mrs. Feinberg.
“It’s called the Brava 380.”
“I see. What does it do?” she asked.
“It cleans the floor.”
“Oy, I would hate to be hooked up to that thing,”
Mrs. Feinberg said.
“So, would I,” replied the technician.
“What is it?” asked Mrs. Feinberg.
“It’s called the Brava 380.”
“I see. What does it do?” she asked.
“It cleans the floor.”
קיקיון האט געשריבן:קאוד: וועל אויס אלע
Abe Horowitz had been a salesman in the garment district all his life, but was getting tired of the constant battles with customers. So he decided to give up his job and become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked Abe how he liked his new role.
“Well,” Abe replied, “the pay is terrible, the hours are too long, and I’ve gained 10 pounds because of all of these donuts, but the one thing I love is that the customer is always wrong.”
וואס איז פשט איז זעי אלס חוזק מאכן פין די פאליציי וועגען דאנאטס?
- קיקיון
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- תגובות: 15939
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
- לאקאציע: אדערע זייט שאך ברעט פון חמרא טבא
Moe and his son Joe were listening to the radio while eating breakfastand hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Joe goes out and moves his car.
A week later while the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” So Joe goes out and moves his car again.
The next week the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
Joe is very upset, and with a worried look on his face he says, “Dad, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?”
Moe t says, “Son, why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
A week later while the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” So Joe goes out and moves his car again.
The next week the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
Joe is very upset, and with a worried look on his face he says, “Dad, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?”
Moe t says, “Son, why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
Joe did not own a watch. Whenever he wanted to know the time, he would simply ask someone.
“Why don't you just buy a watch?” Dave snapped at him after being asked one time too many.
“Why should I buy a watch, when I can simply ask!”
“Well, “asked Dave “What do you do in middle of the night?”
“I use a shofar! “
“A shofar?”
“Yes. Whenever I want to know the time, I go to the window, I blow the shofar, and all my neighbors start yelling, “What are you doing? It's two in the morning”
“Why don't you just buy a watch?” Dave snapped at him after being asked one time too many.
“Why should I buy a watch, when I can simply ask!”
“Well, “asked Dave “What do you do in middle of the night?”
“I use a shofar! “
“A shofar?”
“Yes. Whenever I want to know the time, I go to the window, I blow the shofar, and all my neighbors start yelling, “What are you doing? It's two in the morning”
A fellow came to a tailor to have a suit made for a special occasion. When the suit was ready the man came to the tailor's shop to try it on. To his horror he discovered that one sleeve was significantly longer than the other sleeve and one pants leg was about 4 inches shorter than it needed to be. The fellow complained to the tailor. The event was that evening and he needed the suit.
The tailor advised the desperate fellow that he should pull his arm up in such a fashion that the short-sleeved arm sits right at the hand. He contorted himself as recommended. Then he suggested that he shift his weight in such a way that the cuff of the all too short pant leg comes right to the shoe.
He paid for the ill-fitted suit and went off limping down the street. Two gentlemen were walking behind him and were observing how he was ambulating down the street. One man said to the other, “Look at that unfortunate fellow, how disfigured and misshapen he is!” To which his colleague replied on a positive note, “At least he has a good tailor!”
The tailor advised the desperate fellow that he should pull his arm up in such a fashion that the short-sleeved arm sits right at the hand. He contorted himself as recommended. Then he suggested that he shift his weight in such a way that the cuff of the all too short pant leg comes right to the shoe.
He paid for the ill-fitted suit and went off limping down the street. Two gentlemen were walking behind him and were observing how he was ambulating down the street. One man said to the other, “Look at that unfortunate fellow, how disfigured and misshapen he is!” To which his colleague replied on a positive note, “At least he has a good tailor!”
- קיקיון
- שר עשרת אלפים
- תגובות: 15939
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
- לאקאציע: אדערע זייט שאך ברעט פון חמרא טבא
When eight-year-old Rivka visits her Bubbie, she loves to watch her in the kitchen. “Bubbie,” Rivka asked one day, “where did you learn how to cook?”
Bubbie told her that she learned from her mother and passed on this knowledge to her daughter. “Someday,” Bubbie continued, “your mother will pass this knowledge along to you.”
There was a short silence. “I’m not so sure,” Rivka said. “Mommy puts everything in the microwave. I think I’ll be better off if I stay here and watch you.”
Bubbie told her that she learned from her mother and passed on this knowledge to her daughter. “Someday,” Bubbie continued, “your mother will pass this knowledge along to you.”
There was a short silence. “I’m not so sure,” Rivka said. “Mommy puts everything in the microwave. I think I’ll be better off if I stay here and watch you.”
- קיקיון
- שר עשרת אלפים
- תגובות: 15939
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
- לאקאציע: אדערע זייט שאך ברעט פון חמרא טבא
David and Shira Stern had a wedding to go to and needed a wedding gift. “Do we really have to shell out more cash for another wedding I don’t want to go to?” David asked.
Aha! He thought. “We still have that monogrammed silver tray from our wedding that we never use. Iʼll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove our monogram and put the names of the new couple. Voilà, one cheap wedding present!”
David took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove the monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, “Buddy, this can only be done so many times!”
Aha! He thought. “We still have that monogrammed silver tray from our wedding that we never use. Iʼll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove our monogram and put the names of the new couple. Voilà, one cheap wedding present!”
David took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove the monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, “Buddy, this can only be done so many times!”
- קיקיון
- שר עשרת אלפים
- תגובות: 15939
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
- לאקאציע: אדערע זייט שאך ברעט פון חמרא טבא
Shloimie, who was struggling with his weight, went into Yitz’s Bakery, marveling at the delicious looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. When a clerk approached him and asked, “What would you like?”
Shloimie answered, “I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut, and that cheese Danish.” hen with a sigh he added, “But I’ll take an oat bran muffin.”
Shloimie answered, “I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut, and that cheese Danish.” hen with a sigh he added, “But I’ll take an oat bran muffin.”
- קיקיון
- שר עשרת אלפים
- תגובות: 15939
- זיך איינגעשריבן אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am
- לאקאציע: אדערע זייט שאך ברעט פון חמרא טבא
Figuring that her four-year-old son Mendy was listening in the next room, Surie decided to tell her husband Dovid the Purim gift she had bought for Mendy by spelling out the words “fire truck.”
Dovid nodded and said, “I think it would be a great gift.”
From the other side of the wall, they heard little Mendy yell, “I don't want letters for Purim!”
Dovid nodded and said, “I think it would be a great gift.”
From the other side of the wall, they heard little Mendy yell, “I don't want letters for Purim!”