Jokes

[קיקיון]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Mrs. Hoffman, a kindergarten teacher at King David Elementary School, is always amazed by the things her students say.
Just last week she asked her class, “What is the shape of the earth? Does anyone know?”
Little Rebecca Horowitz spoke up and said, “According to my Daddy - terrible!” 

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

The Epstein family was on the way to the hospital where their teenager Rachel was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they discussed how the procedure would be performed.
“Dad,” Rachel asked, “how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?”
Without missing a beat Mr. Epstein replied, “They’re going to give you a phone.” 

[לכאורה]

נא, נו, פאסט נישט

[קיקיון]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A man named Moishe goes to a rabbi and complains about all the problems he has in his life: his wife, his children, his work and everything else he can think of. Every week he goes to the rabbi and every week the list gets longer. And every week the rabbi always listens quietly and doesn't say a word. Until one week, the rabbi finally says to Moishe, "Why don't you convert

?"

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Moishe, shocked that the rabbi would suggest something so scandalous asks, "How will that solve my problems?"

The rabbi answers, "It won't, but it will solve mine."

[קיקיון]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

President Obama calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression: 'Vus titzuch?'
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?" Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

 The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"
The old guy whispers back: "Obama is in Brooklyn."

[קיקיון]

[scy4851]

so now we have a Billionaire moving into public housing and kicking out a black family....

[קיקיון]

Rav to Geirus candidate
I see you are very well prepared
I will make arrangements for the Mohel and the Mikva
Tell me what are you doing about
עכו"ם ששבת
I make sure to have my keys in my pocket
Isn't there an Eiruv in your neughborhood
I don't hold from the Eiruv

[קיקיון]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

My doctor says he’s been practicing medicine for 10 years. I asked him to call me when he’s finished practicing and gets serious!

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children. Just like it says on the bottle.

[טריסקער]

קיקיון, אויף ביידע
כ'האב גראדע קאפוויי יעצט, עלעך וויסן וואס צו טאן מיטן אספירין און ביים דאקטאר...

[טריסקער]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Q: Who is bigger, Mrs. Bigger or Mrs. Bigger’s baby?
A: Mrs. Bigger’s baby… he’s just a “little” bigger.

קרעדיט: קיקיון

[טריסקער]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.” 
Customer: “Ok.” 
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.” 
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?” 
Customer: “No.” 
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?” 
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

קרעדיט: קיקיון

[דריידל]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

President Obama calls in the Head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression: 'Vus titzuch?'
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?" Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to "what's happening". They just ask each other and they know everything."

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

 The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"
The old guy whispers back: "Obama is in Brooklyn."

יויש איז דאס אלט. געהערט כמה פעמים אויף קייזער פלאץ יאזשעף וואס מ'זאגט אז ער פלעגט זיך אפט פארשטעלן און אויסמישן מיט די מאסען

[scy4851]

Q: which are the stronger days of the week?
A: Shabbos and Sunday. The rest are weekdays

[קיקיון]

[לכאורה]

חחח

אמאל געליינט אדער געטראכט: די עקאנאמיע איז אזוי שלעכט אז אפילו די ליכט ביי די ענדע פונעם טונעל בלינקט

[קיקיון]

[scy4851]

A man walks into a bar. He calmly orders a drink and proceeds to abruptly pick up his glass and hurl it at the shocked bartender.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence he begins apologizing profusely, pleading for forgiveness: “I am mortified, I suffer from uncontrollable rage, I am deeply ashamed of it, I don’t know what came over me, please forgive me for my embarrassing behavior.” The bartender graciously forgives him. However this happens nightly for a week straight, each outburst followed by sincere regret. Finally, the bar tender makes an ultimatum: “Either undergo intense anger-management therapy or do not ever enter this bar again.” The man consented.

A year later, he returns to the bar, a rehabilitated man. But lo and behold, he immediately takes his glass and heaves it at the bartender. “What are you doing?” the bartender thundered, “I thought you went to therapy!” “I did,” the man replied, “and now I am not embarrassed anymore.”

(credit:yyj)

[צו געזונט]

A man walks into a bar. He calmly orders a drink and proceeds to abruptly pick up his glass and hurl it at the shocked bartender.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence he begins apologizing profusely, pleading for forgiveness: “I am mortified, I suffer from uncontrollable rage, I am deeply ashamed of it, I don’t know what came over me, please forgive me for my embarrassing behavior.” The bartender graciously forgives him. However this happens nightly for a week straight, each outburst followed by sincere regret. Finally, the bar tender makes an ultimatum: “Either undergo intense anger-management therapy or do not ever enter this bar again.” The man consented.

A year later, he returns to the bar, a rehabilitated man. But lo and behold, he immediately takes his glass and heaves it at the bartender. “What are you doing?” the bartender thundered, “I thought you went to therapy!” “I did,” the man replied, “and now I am not embarrassed anymore.”

(credit:yyj)

קרעדיט: פראדאקטיוו...

[קיקיון]

Yosef Yitzchak Jacobson is a very successful speaker and writer and does not need to go Productive seminars

[טריסקער]

A man walks into a bar. He calmly orders a drink and proceeds to abruptly pick up his glass and hurl it at the shocked bartender.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence he begins apologizing profusely, pleading for forgiveness: “I am mortified, I suffer from uncontrollable rage, I am deeply ashamed of it, I don’t know what came over me, please forgive me for my embarrassing behavior.” The bartender graciously forgives him. However this happens nightly for a week straight, each outburst followed by sincere regret. Finally, the bar tender makes an ultimatum: “Either undergo intense anger-management therapy or do not ever enter this bar again.” The man consented.

A year later, he returns to the bar, a rehabilitated man. But lo and behold, he immediately takes his glass and heaves it at the bartender. “What are you doing?” the bartender thundered, “I thought you went to therapy!” “I did,” the man replied, “and now I am not embarrassed anymore.”

(credit:yyj)

קרעדיט: פראדאקטיוו...

טיף טיף...

[El Rushbo]

Yosef Yitzchak Jacobson is a very successful speaker and writer and does not need to go Productive seminars

דער וויץ איז נישט זיינס, ס'איז אלטע סחורה, און איז א וועג וויאזוי צו דעפינירן די מטרה פון טעראפי. נעמליך, אז טעראפי 'היילט נישט' קיין פראבלעמען, נאר ענדערש העלפט דעם מענטש וויאזוי צו לעבן 'מיט' די פראבלעמען.

מענטשען וואס מיינען אז איך קען גיין צו טעראפי צו טוישן מדות, ווארפן געלט אין מיסט, און בלייבן זייער אנטוישט.

[בענקעל]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

I went to the bank on wallabout St. In williamsburg, and there is separate lines for men and women, 
I was like wow, that's so nice of a bank to be culturally sensitive... 

The bank manager past by, an i had to compliment him about it. But he said it's not separated at all. READ THE SIGNS ON TOP. 

One says "diposoits" and one says "withdrawals" 

[טשאלענט]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

I went to the bank on wallabout St. In williamsburg, and there is separate lines for men and women, 
I was like wow, that's so nice of a bank to be culturally sensitive... 

The bank manager past by, an i had to compliment him about it. But he said it's not separated at all. READ THE SIGNS ON TOP. 

One says "diposoits" and one says "withdrawals" 

איך קען נישט זאגן אויף דעם גוט, און אויך נישט לייגן א ....

ווען דער נער וואלט נישט געווען מיינער וואלט איך אויך געלאכט...

[קיקיון]

[קיקיון]