באקומען אין אימעיל

[אנדי פעטיט]

לא"ה.

[קרעמער]

דאס איז מעכטיג!

[אנדי פעטיט]

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS
.....PLEASE READ!


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!




Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my garden.


As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.


As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.


I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.


I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.


So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.


But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.


I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.


My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.


I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.


The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.


As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.


I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.


I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.


I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.


I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.


I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.


So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.


Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:


The car isn't washed


The bills aren't paid


There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter


The flowers don't have enough water,


There is still only 1 check in my check book,


I can't find the remote,


I can't find my glasses,


And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.


I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....


Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[אנדי פעטיט]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

[אנדי פעטיט]

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[אנדי פעטיט]

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

[מאשקע]

נו.

[farshlufen]

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS
.....PLEASE READ!


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!




Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my garden.


As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.


As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.


I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.


I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.


So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.


But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.


I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.


My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.


I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.


The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.


As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.


I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.


I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.


I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.


I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.


I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.


So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.


Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:


The car isn't washed


The bills aren't paid


There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter


The flowers don't have enough water,


There is still only 1 check in my check book,


I can't find the remote,


I can't find my glasses,


And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.


I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....


Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

איך האב געוואלט עפעס מגיב זיין כ'האב פשוט פארגעסן

[אנדי פעטיט]

האסטיך שוין דערמאנט?

[farshlufen]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken furnace at the White House in D.C. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the furnace.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700'

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the furnace.'

'Done!', replies the government official.

[סאכדעס]

יוי איז דאס גוט

חחחחחחחחחחח

[אנדי פעטיט]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started Catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

[farshlufen]

אנדי: ס'איז גארנישט קיין געלעכטער, ס'איז אן אמת'דיג ווארט.

[יצמח]

איז דאס גיט...

[אנדי פעטיט]

אנדי: ס'איז גארנישט קיין געלעכטער, ס'איז אן אמת'דיג ווארט.

כ'ווייס, פארדעם האב איך עס דא ארויף געלייגט, איך האב עס די ערשטע מאל געזען נאך די 99-2000 מארקעט קראך.

[ליפא]

א שטיקל באריכט וויזאוי די סטאקס ארבעט.......

פעם אחת הופיע בכפר אדם והודיע לכל תושבי הכפר כי הוא מוכן לקנות כל קוף ב-10$. הכפריים, שידעו שיש קופים רבים בסביבתם, יצאו בהמוניהם אל היער והחלו ללכוד אותם. האיש קנה מהם אלפי קופים תמורת 10$ לאחד, ואולם משהצטמצמה אוכלוסיית הקופים עד כי קשה היה לאתרם, חדלו הכפריים ממאמציהם. כיוון שכך, הודיע האיש כי מעתה ישלם בעבור כל קוף 20$. הודעתו זו חידשה את מאמצי הכפריים והם שבו במרץ למלאכת לכידת הקופים.

אלא שבמהרה אזלה שוב אספקת הקופים והכפריים שבו לעבד את חוותיהם. האיש העלה את
הצעתו ל-25$ ואולם אספקת הקופים הצטמצמה עד למאוד וקשה היה לראות אפילו קוף אחד ביער, שלא לדבר על ללכוד אחד.

האיש הודיע עתה שהוא מוכן לרכוש כל קוף ב-50$, אבל מכיוון שהוא חייב לנסוע העירה לצרכים עסקיים מסוימים, העוזר שלו ייצג אותו בהעדרו ויבצע את רכישת הקופים מהם.

כשנסע האיש פנה העוזר שלו אל הכפריים ואמר להם "הסתכלו על כל הקופים שבכלוב הענק הזה אותם רכש האיש לאוסף שלו. אני אמכור לכם כל אחד תמורת 35$, וכשהבוס שלי ישוב לכאן תוכלו למכור לו אותם תמורת 50$ לראש!".

הכפריים אספו וריכזו את כל חסכונותיהם וקנו מהעוזר את כל אלפי הקופים.

מאז הם לא ראו יותר את האיש או את העוזר שלו. כל מה שראו סביבם היו אלפי הקופים אותם רכשו במיטב כספם.

עכשיו יש לכם הבנה טובה יותר איך עובד שוק המניות.

[שוועמל]

ליפא איז די זעלבע ווי אנדי עטליכע הודעות ארויפציר (שרויפן ציר)

איינס איז אנגלית איינס איז עבריש..

[קאניאק]

דאפעלט איז שטערקער

[ליפא]

איי דאנט ביליוו איט, הערשט יעצט זעה איך דאס
את חטאי אני מזכיר היום, איך האב נישט קיין צייט אדורך צוליינען די אלע סחורה, אדער זאל מען מאכן א סמעטענע פון אימעילס, אדער וועט דאס מוזן ווארטן ביזן קאנטרי, אדערווייל וועל איך מיך נישט אפהאלטן וועגן קריטיק (?) און אז ס'איז גוט וועט מען עס אי"ה ארויפלייגן, און ווי זאגט די וועלט "דאפלט איז שטערקער" (קרעדיט: מאשקע, סאכדעס, קרעמער, בני היכלא, מיללער, זארעך ועוד ועוד... און משך פון די יארן

[ליפא]

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?

Works for me!

[ליפא]

Read and then decide if you still want to vote for a democrate !!!
A little history lesson: If you don't know the answer make your best guess. Answer all the questions before looking at the answers. Who said it ?
1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
A. Karl Marx
B. Adolph Hitler
C. Joseph Stalin
D. None of the above

2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few and to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity."
A. Lenin
B. Mussolini
C. Idi Amin
D. None of the Above

3) "(We)...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people."
A. Nikita Khrushev
B. Josef Goebbels
C. Boris Yeltsin
D. None of the above

4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own...in order to create this common ground."
A. Mao Tse Dung
B. Hugo Chavez
C. Kim Jong Il
D. None of the above

5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed."
A. Karl Marx
B. Lenin
C. Molotov
D. None of the above

6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched."
A. Pinochet
B. Milosevic
C. Saddam Hussein
D. None of the above



Answers:
(1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Rotten Clinton 6/29/2004
(2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Rotten Clinton 5/29/2007
(3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Rotten Clinton 6/4/2007
(4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Rotten Clinton 6/4/2007
(5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Rotten Clinton 6/4/2007
(6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Rotten Clinton 9/2/2005

[ליפא]

קען מיר איינער אויסלערנען וואזוי מען לייגט ענגלישע טעקסט און ס'זאל אויסקומען אויף די לינקע זייט

די align ארבעט זיך נישט אויס

[ליפא]

IT IS ALL IN THE WAY YOU EVALUATE SITUATIONS

The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.

"This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We're officially declaring war on you!"

"How big is your army?" the president asked.

"There's me, my cousin Moishe, and our pinochle team!"

"I have a million in my army," said the president.

"I'll call back!" said Mendel.

The next day he called. "The var's still on!" We have now a bulldozer, Goldblatt's tractor. Plus the canasta team!"

"I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million."

"Oy gevalt!", said Mendel. "I'll call back."

He phoned the next day. "We're calling off the var."

"Why?", asked the president.

"Well," said Mendel, "we've all had a little chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[ליפא]

United States of Mexamerica[align=center] . . .

2007 Tax Reminder?????

Don't forget to pay your taxes............


¡Muchas gracias !

21 million illegal aliens are depending on you! [/align]

עטעטשמענטס

tax_199.jpg (33.83 KiB) געזעהן געווארן 711 מאל

[קאניאק]

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