Jokes

געשמאקע ארטיקלן און בילדער וכדו'

די אחראים: אחראי, געלעגער

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 13, 2015 1:28 pm

איי העוו ע קוועסטשאן!
שׁאָלד ווי אָפּען עֶ טרעד "דזשאקס" אָר מעיבּי MILSA DEBECHUSA ?

מומחה עצום

תגובהדורך מומחה עצום » דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 13, 2015 1:37 pm

How about
Humour Corner

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 13, 2015 1:52 pm

אלעקסיי האט געשריבן:כ'האב געקלערט אז אלע ווערטליך אויף די גוי'אישע שפראכע געהערט ענדערש אין א באזונדערען געהענגל, דעריבער אומר ועושה האב איך דא ערצייגט א פרישן אשכול ספעציעל פאר ווערטליך אויף די ענגלישע שפראכע, ולא יתערב זר במחנינו, והכל על מקומו יבא בשלום.

מה הועילו חכמים בתקתנם
with a new thread with a name that is properly spelled in English

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג דעצמבער 10, 2015 10:19 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Why do we eat latkes and donuts on  חנוכה? 
To show that we are not like the Greeks who  worshipped the body and were big into health, with the goal of achieving the “perfect” human athletic form.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך דעצמבער 16, 2015 10:45 am

בילד

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך דעצמבער 16, 2015 1:29 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Morris needs a hearing aid so he goes to Zak’s Audio to check out his options.
“How much do they cost?” Morris asks Zak.
“That depends,” Zak says. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.00.”
“Let’s see the $2.00 model,” says Morris.
Zak puts the device around Morris’ neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructs.
“How does it work?” asks Morris.
“For $2.00 it doesn’t work,” Zak replies. “But when people see you wearing it, they’ll talk louder!”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Miriam was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her seven-year-old son Maxie.She tried to keep up with traffic but cars kept flying by her. She looked at her speedometer and saw that she was doing 10 miles over limit.
She moved to the slow lane and then pulled to the sude when saw the flashing lights of a police cae “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”
Little Maxie piped up from the back seat, “I do! Because you couldn’t catch the other cars!”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Shlomo is on his deathbed surronded by his wife, his daughter,two sons and Chevra Kadisha.
“Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.
“Srully, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.
“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”
After Yetzias neshomo the Gabbai says: “With all this property,he did not buy a plot for kevura?”
Sarah replies, “Property? All he had was a newspaper route!”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Harry worked at the front desk of an economy motel. Mr. Robinson checked in and ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning Harry didn’t call until 6:30.
“Good morning,” Harry said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”
Annoyed, Mr. Robinson let Harry have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6.00! What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”
“Well, sir,” said Harry, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn’t be staying in this motel.”

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג דעצמבער 19, 2010 5:23 pm

תגובהדורך זאכליך » מאנטאג ינואר 18, 2016 9:36 am

Political Promise

Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he'd make certain that everybody would get an above average income?
אמור מעט, קוק ווייניגער אויף וואס ער זאגט,
ועשה הרבה, און קוק מער וואס ער טוהט.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך ינואר 20, 2016 12:53 pm

english shmenglish
MORDECHAI SCHILLER AT HIS BEST

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך פאברואר 03, 2016 3:51 pm

08

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

"I don't think that's going to help," said . Maureen to  her husband who was  standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

"Sure it does," her husband replied. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."


קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Brian, one of the world’s greatest hypochondriacs
“Doc! I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”
 “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed.
 “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך מארטש 02, 2016 1:59 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

In '985 there was a joke going around that it was cheaper to take a taxi from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem rather than a bus. The price in shekels was about the same.  Why? Unlike the bus, you paid at the end of the one-hour trip when the shekel would be worth less than at the start.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך מארטש 02, 2016 2:54 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A child who saw her mother searching for her cellphone: “You know what they should invent?
A phone that stays connected to its wall so it never gets lost.”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

While transcribing medical audiotapes, a doctor’s secretary came: “This man has pholenfrometry. Baffled she double checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head. He translated it for her: “This man has fallen from a tree.”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

When a squirrel slipped into my house I panicked and called my father. “How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?”  Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked – the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

The food at the sandwich shop I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. He replied, “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It’s no good trying to outrun it. It’s catching up!” The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I’m not trying to outrun the lion I’m trying to outrun you!”

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » פרייטאג אפריל 08, 2016 12:04 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Moshe was in the attif helping Mmother with Pesach cleaning. He foud an old manual typewriter and asked, “Mom what’s this?”
“Oh, that’s an old typewriter,”she answered. “What does it do?”
“I’ll show you,” she said. She went downstairs and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.
“WOW!That’s really cool - but where do you plug it in?”
“There is no plug.It doesn’t need a plug.”
“Then where do you put the batteries?”    “It doesn’t need batteries either"
“Wow! This is so cool.Someone should have invented this a long time ago!”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Michael applied to a collections agency for a job, but he had no experience. “I’ve never hired somebody of your…well… Jewish before,” said the manager. “But why not?” he said. The manager decided to give him one of the toughest accounts, and figured, if Michael collected, he’d get the job.
Two hours later, Michael came back with the entire amount. “Amazing!” the manager said. “How did you do it?”
“Easy,” Michael replied. “I told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors he paid us.”

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דינסטאג ינואר 29, 2008 11:57 am
לאקאציע: אפשר קען איינער מיר זאגען וויא!

תגובהדורך scy4851 » מאנטאג אפריל 11, 2016 10:47 am

An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in England when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside his cage,
right under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her
terrified parents, who thank him profusely.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli: 'Sir, this was the
most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my lifetime.'
The Israeli replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little girl in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this doesn't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist,
and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.
So, what country are you from, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The Israeli replies, "I'm from Israel. I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
the SCY is the limit

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג יוני 25, 2015 11:30 am

תגובהדורך בענקעל » דינסטאג אפריל 12, 2016 8:11 pm

A lady moved the couch to clean behind it for
Pesach. Her friend asked her "why don't you
wait until your husband comes home?" she
replied "it's easier to move it without
someone sitting on it".

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך מאי 11, 2016 9:21 am

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Rabbi Cohen was teaching a class and tried to find a message in the shul’s new magnificent stained glass windows, “Look over there,” said Rabbi Cohen. “Each of you represents one window, but together as a community we make a whole picture.”   The Rabbi continued, pointing to each child as he did so: “You see, each one of you is a little pane. You’re a little pane, you’re a little pane, you’re a little pane, and….”It took Rabbi Cohen a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing.



קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Molly was an active, hands-on grandmother. One day, while out bicycling with her eight-year-old granddaughter, Rachel, she got a little wistful. “In ten years,” Molly said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t want to go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”       “Don’t worry, Grandma,” Rachel shrugged. “In ten years, you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”



קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Dr. Alexander Smith, an American psychiatrist, was attending a conference in Israel and decided to visit one of the local hospitals specializing in mental health. On his visit, Dr. Smith asked the hospital director, Dr. Klein, how he determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.           “Well,” said Dr. Klein, “first we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”   “Oh, I understand,” said Dr. Smith. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”         “No,” said Dr. Klein “a normal person would pull the plug. Dr. Smith, do you want a bed near the window?”



קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Something was wrong with Janet; she just wasn’t herself lately. Her husband, Ricky, decided she should go to the doctor. After a long appointment, Janet  came out.                       “Ricky, the doctor has advised me that I’m stressed. He thinks I should take a one-month vacation to some place tranquil like the Caribbeanor the South of France. Where shall we go?”        Ricky thought about it for a second and said, “To another doctor!”

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג יוני 25, 2015 11:30 am

תגובהדורך בענקעל » דאנארשטאג יוני 02, 2016 4:25 pm

When I was a teenager, I worked as a bagger for the local supermarket.
One of the rules there was baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. One day I was putting groceries in an old man's car. When he was finished he said, "Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George."

What it really was, was a dollar bill. Thinking quickly, I pocketed the 'picture'. I then asked him, "Have any pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses and/or Benjamin?"

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך יולי 20, 2016 10:50 am

25

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Why is Lemon Juice made with artificial flavoring and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “Rush Hour?”
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don’t they make entire airplanes out of those indestructible black boxes? 
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why is an airport called “the terminal?”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A man once asked a lawyer: “How much do you charge?”
“$1,000 for three questions.”  “Really?” the man asked.
“Yes, and what’s your third question?”


קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Marcia was a poor woman who needed a job. She decided to work for Mr.Kepple, the wealthy man down the block. Marcia knocked on Mr. Kepple’s door, asking what sort of job she could do in exchange for $12 an hour.
“You could start with painting my porch,” responded Mr. Kepple.
Later, Mrs. Kepple came home and wondered what Marcia was doing. “It will take her at least a day to paint a porch the size of this house,” said Mrs. Kepple.
“So what? She needs the money anyway,” answered Mr. Kepple.
15 minutes later, Marcia rushed in. “I’m finished! And by the way, it’s not a Porsche – it’s a Lexus.


קאוד: וועל אויס אלע


The Rosenberg family was on their first trip to Israel and they wanted to do something adventurous so they decided to go skydiving. During the class, David the skydiving instructor was taking questions.
HowieRosenberg asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”
David looked at Howie and responded straight faced, “The rest of your life.”


קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

“So David,” he says his teacher, “you tell me that your mother always says prayers for you every night. That is really nice of her. It’s a mitzvah, you know.
So tell me, what does she say during her prayers, David?”
“She says, ‘Thank Gd my son’s in bed.’”



קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Max was a go-getter. He wanted to be the first of his friends to have a car and he wanted to buy it with his own money. Sure enough, just after he turned 16 he had saved up enough money to buy a car. But unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to put away a lot of money so the car was, well, not in the best of health.
One morning, Max’s mother was surprised to see his car parked in front of the house even though he was at school. When Max returned home she asked him about it.
“I had to get to school early,” Max said, “so I just ran.”


קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

 
Lorie was the mother of five kids under the age of 8. Her Aunt Sarah called her one morning, and their conversation was constantly being interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. “Could you hold on for a moment?” Lorie finally asked, putting down the phone.
Within ten seconds there was absolute silence on the line. Then, “Okay, I’m back.”
“But it’s so quiet!” Aunt Sarah exclaimed. “You must have amazing discipline over your children.”
“Not really,” Lorie confessed wearily. “I’m in the closet.”

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג דעצמבער 20, 2015 6:57 pm

תגובהדורך בן נון » פרייטאג יולי 22, 2016 2:14 pm

אלע איינס ביי איינס זענען גוט!

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג מארטש 28, 2016 7:00 pm

תגובהדורך טריסקער » מוצ"ש יולי 23, 2016 8:59 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

There are 2 things i don't like about public transportation:
1. The public
2. The transportation

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג דעצמבער 20, 2015 6:57 pm

תגובהדורך בן נון » זונטאג יולי 24, 2016 6:23 pm

גוט! גוט!

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג יוני 25, 2015 11:30 am

תגובהדורך בענקעל » דינסטאג אוגוסט 02, 2016 11:11 pm

"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."
Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 04, 2016 1:05 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

I have a joke about IKEA, but I can’t put it together.


קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because the octopus was well-armed.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 04, 2016 2:22 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Abe Horowitz had been a salesman in the garment district all his life, but was getting tired of the constant battles with customers. So he decided to give up his job and become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked Abe how he liked his new role.
“Well,” Abe replied, “the pay is terrible, the hours are too long, and I’ve gained 10 pounds because of all of these donuts, but the one thing I love is that the customer is always wrong.”

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג מארטש 28, 2016 7:00 pm

תגובהדורך טריסקער » דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 04, 2016 3:30 pm

שכוח הרב קיקיון! גוט איינס ביי איינס!

נאכאמזל אז כ'האב אמאל איינגעקויפט ביי IKEA, ווען נישט פארשטיי איך נישט דעם ערשטן וויץ...

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 04, 2016 4:25 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customers, “This kid is terrible at math. Watch while I prove it to you.”The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand, and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which one do you want?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you,” said the barber. “That kid never learns.”
Later, one of the customers sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. He says, “Hey there, can I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar bill, the game is over.”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time and a well-known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, “Would you like my opinion on your work?”
“Yes,” says the artist.
“It’s worthless,” says the critic.
The artist replies, “I know, but tell me anyway.”


צוריק צו “היימישע קרעטשמע”

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