Jokes

געשמאקע ארטיקלן און בילדער וכדו'

די אחראים: אחראי, געלעגער

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דינסטאג סעפטעמבער 26, 2017 11:15 am

Chaim Yankel was overdue for his appointment with Dr. Epstein so Dr. Epstein called him at home to check up on him. “Chaim Yankel!” said Dr. Epstein. “You're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders like yours require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?

“I was just following your orders, Dr. Epstein,” replied Chaim Yankel.

“What are you talking about?” asked Dr. Epstein. “I gave you no such order.”

“Sure you did,” replied Chaim Yankel. “You told me to avoid people who cause me stress and irritate me.”

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scy4851
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דינסטאג ינואר 29, 2008 11:57 am
לאקאציע: אפשר קען איינער מיר זאגען וויא!

תגובהדורך scy4851 » דינסטאג סעפטעמבער 26, 2017 12:54 pm

Want to stop riots?
Play the National Anthem...They'll all sit down.
the SCY is the limit

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מאנטאג אוקטובער 16, 2017 8:51 pm

Morris, a new member of the synagogue, was asked to carry the Torah. He could barely lift the sefer Torah; he almost dropped it, and clutching it shakily, he sat down very quickly. It was an awful, pitiful sight.
Morris was very embarrassed, so he made a resolution to go to the gym and work out. For the next few months, he lifted weights, and did push-ups, sit-ups, and pull-ups. He got himself buff and ready.
Simhat Torah came and Morris was all set. He went to synagogue, all excited and ready to be called. It happened! He heard the gabbai call his name so he rushed up to thebima, grabbed the sefer Torah, lifted it up, and, arms wide, opened it up at least ten columns. He swung the Torah to the left and then to theright, so everyone could see the text.
He felt very proud. Turning to the gabbaihe asked, "So, how was it?"
"Well, Morris, you looked great, but I called you up for shlishi.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
0n his first day as pediatrician trying to be friendly Dr. Robins pointed to little Sammy’s ear and asked him,
"Is this your nose?"
Immediately Sammy turned to his mother and said, "Mommy, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"


sorry there are not any more good jokes this month

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מיטוואך אוקטובער 18, 2017 2:24 pm

Capture.JPG
Capture.JPG (17.65 KiB) געזעהן 3815 מאל

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טעם וריח
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יוני 19, 2017 7:33 pm

תגובהדורך טעם וריח » מיטוואך אוקטובער 18, 2017 3:01 pm

בבחינת אלה תולדות נ"ח, נ"ח

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אפריל 06, 2017 11:03 am

תגובהדורך איךביןאיך » מאנטאג אוקטובער 23, 2017 4:09 pm

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$who have given $o much $upport including$weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Norman

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:


Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard.NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspapers are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean..

Yours truly,
Manager

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מיסטעריעז
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: פרייטאג אוגוסט 13, 2010 2:54 pm

תגובהדורך מיסטעריעז » מאנטאג אוקטובער 23, 2017 6:37 pm

:wink:

SPUSMN
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יוני 06, 2011 11:01 am
לאקאציע: בתוך עמי אנכי ישבת

תגובהדורך SPUSMN » מאנטאג אוקטובער 23, 2017 6:41 pm

Yes; mean
עת לחשות ועת לדבר - קהלת ג ז

נחום וואהלינער
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מיטוואך אוקטובער 21, 2015 4:49 pm

תגובהדורך נחום וואהלינער » זונטאג נובעמבער 12, 2017 10:13 pm

I cant vouch for the authenticity of this story, but they say that when Al Gore lost his presidential bid to George W. Bush, his jewish running mate, Joe Lieberman, was obviously a little disappointed. But his wife consoled him, saying, "Joe, dont worry. Here at home you will always be the vice president!"

credit: Rav Fishel Shechter/Hamodia

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דינסטאג יולי 09, 2013 10:39 pm

תגובהדורך איפה פייביש » דאנארשטאג נובעמבער 23, 2017 11:45 pm

Enjoy! It's best read with the wife!

Rules from Men.compressed.pdf
(204.27 KiB) דאונלאודעד 387 מאל

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איךביןאיך
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אפריל 06, 2017 11:03 am

תגובהדורך איךביןאיך » דינסטאג נובעמבער 28, 2017 9:44 am

My Last Job Interview
OFFICER:- What is your name?
Me :- M.P. sir
OFFICER:- In full please
Me:- Marvin Paul
OFFICER:- Your father's name?
Me:- M.P. sir
OFFICER:- What does that mean?
Me:- Martin Paul
OFFICER:- What is your qualification?
Me:- M.P.
OFFICER:- (angry) What is that?!!!
Me:- Maths and Physics
OFFICER:- So why do you need a job?
Me:- It is because of M.P. sir
OFFICER: Meaning?
Me:- Money Problem
OFFICER:- Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? What's your personality like?
Me: MP sir.
OFFICER: And what is that?
Me:- Marvelous Personality
OFFICER:- I see... I will get back to you.
Me:- Sir, how was M.P. sir?
OFFICER:- And what's that again?
Me:- My Performance.
OFFICER:- I think you have M.P.
Me:- What’s that?
OFFICER:- Mental Problem!!!

Don't laugh alone.
Send this to M.P. (Many People)


שקויעך קיקיון פאר'ן פארעכטען דעם אויסלייג

בא שבת בא מנוחה
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג נובעמבער 20, 2016 7:18 pm

תגובהדורך בא שבת בא מנוחה » דינסטאג נובעמבער 28, 2017 12:50 pm

איפה פייביש האט געשריבן:Enjoy! It's best read with the wife!

Rules from Men.compressed.pdf


HUGE....

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דינסטאג דעצמבער 05, 2017 8:00 pm

Little Sara went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
Later that day, Little Sara’s mother invited a guest over for dinner. But the guest seemed distracted. Holding her head she said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
Little Sara turned to the guest with her sweet smile and said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"
-------------------------------------
A Swiss tourist is traveling through Chelm and looking for directions. He pulls up at a bus stop where Chaim and Yankel are waiting."Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
Chaim and Yankel just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist finally drives off, frustrated. Chaim turns to Yankel and says, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says Yankel. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
------------------------------------
A Jewish man was in a supermarket in Baltimore. He saw an African American woman trying to get her young child to put down a candy bar he had picked up off the shelf.
"Latrell, you put that down! It's not kosher!"
Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate. "Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish?"
"No."
"So why did you say that?"
"Why? I'll tell you why. I see all those Jewish mothers saying that to their kids – and it works, so I decided to try it."
--------------------------------------
At a shul’s general meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell about his Jewish faith. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of Hashem in my life.
I had just earned my first dollar and I went to shul that night. The speaker was a fundraiser for a Tzedaka. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to Hashem's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give all the money I owned, my whole dollar, to Hashem. I believe that Hashem blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
He finished and there was an awed silence at his story as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old man leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג אוגוסט 11, 2014 9:37 am

תגובהדורך ממה נפשך » דינסטאג דעצמבער 05, 2017 9:54 pm

איפה פייביש האט געשריבן:Enjoy! It's best read with the wife!

Rules from Men.compressed.pdf


:lol: :lol:

פיין פיין! אויסגעפלאצט האבעך ביי פיטש איז א פרוט און ביי ראונד איז אויך א שעיפ....

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג מארטש 08, 2018 1:35 pm

516
Sink or Swim

While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig, a helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"

As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to flytoo!"


A Puzzling Party

Mike and Nick go into a restaurant, cheering and shouting. "Bartender, drinks for everyone. We're buying!" they shout.
"What's the occasion?" asks the bartender.
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and it only took us seven months," Nick replies.
"Seven months?" saysthe bartender. "What's the big deal? It shouldn't take you seven months to do a puzzle."
"Oh, yeah?" Mike answers. "On the box it said 'two to four years'!"


City Slicker

As a Realtor, I deal with all types of people. Recently I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the property after I mentioned the fantastic view from the living room. But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes, instead of exclaiming over the majestic scenery, the disappointed husband asked, "Where's the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."


Camping Lesson

Moe and Joe went camping.
They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Moe awoke and shook his companion.
"Joe, look at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of brilliant stars," Joe answered.
"And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I see that Gd is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you, Moe?"
Moe paused. "What I see, Joe, is that someone has stolen our tent!"

Office Assistant

Spotting the befuddled CEO holding a piece of paper and standing by the shredder, the assistant decided to help. "This document's very important,"
said the CEO. "Can you make this thing work?"
The assistant turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed "start."
"Great," said the CEO as his paper disappeared into the machine. "I just need one copy.

Monkeying Around

A boy with a monkeyon his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, Ithink you had better take that monkey to the zoo."The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the aquarium."

Road Service

A police officer pulls over a driver and says, “Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged, and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be
300 dollars.”
The driver looks up at the police officer and cheerfully responds, “Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage!”


Food Fight

A sign posted on the wall of an Army dining hall read: "Don't Waste Food - Food Will Win the War."

Beneath these words someone had scrawled: "That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?"

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » זונטאג מארטש 11, 2018 3:22 pm

Capture.JPG
Capture.JPG (56.45 KiB) געזעהן 2296 מאל

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דינסטאג אוגוסט 14, 2018 1:28 pm

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?”asked the lawyer.
“Nope,”replied the man.
“OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,”said the lawyer.
“But it's only $500,”replied the man.
“Precisely – that’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דינסטאג אוגוסט 14, 2018 2:56 pm

The Rosenblums had their friends the Kushners for dinner and served a whole stuffed turkey.
Dr. Kushner was a well-known surgeon so Heshie Rosenblum made quite a show carving the turkey.
“How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?”
Dr. Kushner “Anybody can take apart, Heshie. Now let's see you put it back together again.”

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג סעפטעמבער 25, 2017 4:44 pm
לאקאציע: שמחות תורה אויפ'ן פארענעשטעס

תגובהדורך קענדי'ס » מיטוואך אוקטובער 31, 2018 4:11 pm

קענדי'ס האט געשריבן:
Reasons why I never visit my rich friend

Once while visiting a very rich friend, the maid approached me and.....


Question : "What would you like to have....? Fruit juice, Soda,

Tea, Chocolate, Capuccino, Frapuccino, or Coffee?"
Answer : " Tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Indian tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea?"
Answer : " Ceylon tea"

Question : "How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer : "white"

Question : "Milk, or fresh cream?
Answer : "With milk"

Question : "Goat's milk, or cow's milk"
Answer : "With cow's milk please.

Question : "Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer : "Um, I'll just take it black."

Question : "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer : "With sugar"

Question : "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer : "Cane sugar"

Question : "White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer : "Forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water instead."

Question : "Mineral water, tap water or distilled water?"
Answer : "Mineral water"

Question : "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Answer : "I think I'll just die of thirst"

חסידישער קאך
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: פרייטאג יולי 06, 2018 1:52 pm

תגובהדורך חסידישער קאך » מיטוואך אוקטובער 31, 2018 6:55 pm

גוט

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אהרן הלוי
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג פאברואר 18, 2018 1:42 pm

תגובהדורך אהרן הלוי » פרייטאג נובעמבער 02, 2018 1:20 am

קיקיון האט געשריבן:
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?”asked the lawyer.
“Nope,”replied the man.
“OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,”said the lawyer.
“But it's only $500,”replied the man.
“Precisely – that’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”

להבדיל ביי אונז יודן איז דאס אסור צו טוהן, כנפסק בחו"מ
אשרי מי שלא חטא ומי שחטא ישוב וימחול לו (קרעדיט: חסידים ואנשי מעשה)

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nmi
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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג יוני 02, 2016 4:25 pm

תגובהדורך nmi » פרייטאג נובעמבער 02, 2018 6:25 am

אהרן הלוי האט געשריבן:
קיקיון האט געשריבן:
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?”asked the lawyer.
“Nope,”replied the man.
“OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,”said the lawyer.
“But it's only $500,”replied the man.
“Precisely – that’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”

להבדיל ביי אונז יודן איז דאס אסור צו טוהן, כנפסק בחו"מ

צו וואס זאל דאס זיין אסור? איך ווייס פון א טוען וואס האט עס געטוען מיט איינעם ביים דין תורה און ס'איז שוין פארדעם געווען אפגעשמועסט מיט בי"ד

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג פאברואר 18, 2018 1:42 pm

תגובהדורך אהרן הלוי » זונטאג נובעמבער 04, 2018 12:28 pm

(איר זענט מן הסתם גערעכט, איך האב עס בטעות צוגעגליכן למס' שבועות לא, א, ועי')
אשרי מי שלא חטא ומי שחטא ישוב וימחול לו (קרעדיט: חסידים ואנשי מעשה)

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג סעפטעמבער 25, 2017 4:44 pm
לאקאציע: שמחות תורה אויפ'ן פארענעשטעס

תגובהדורך קענדי'ס » מאנטאג נובעמבער 05, 2018 2:54 pm

The Million Dollar Question

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to Gd to ask,
“Gd, what is a million years to you?”
Gd replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “Gd, what is a million dollars to you?”
Gd replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
The man asks, “So Gd, can I have a million dollars?”
And Gd replies, “In a second.”

Albert E.


Twins!

Charlie was thrilled when he called his parents overseas to tell them that they were the proud grandparents to beautiful twin girls, Talia and Devorah.
“Oh, such wonderful news!” exclaimed the new Grandma. “Tell me, who do Talia and Devorah look like?”
Charlie paused, smiled, and said, “Each other!”

Marlene S.


Witty
Election Quotes

George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame
the previous administration
for his troubles.
Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it
for you.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Julie K.


Fatherly Advice

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked,“How do fish breathe under water?”
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”
Once again, his dadreplied, “Don’t know, son.”
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”
“Of course, not son.” replied his dad. “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

Elana M.


A Walk in the Rain

Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”

Harry G.
Fairy Tales

“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father, “do all fairy tales begin with, ʻOnce upon a timeʼ? ”
“No, sweetheart,” he answered. “Some begin with, ʻIf I am elected…ʼ”

Lisa C.

Choking Hazard

Chaim was a good man, but boy was he stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical bills.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called Dr. Goldman, who arrived just as Chaim’s face was turning blue. Dr. Goldman quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After Chaim was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical bill.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, Chaim turned to Dr. Goldman and asked, “How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?”
Dr. Goldman, who knew his patient's miserly
habits all too well, replied, “Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still
stuck in your throat!”

David N.

Gone Golfing

Moishe was invited by some colleagues at his accounting firm to go golfing. The four men approached the first tee which had a straight fairway which ran along a road with a bike path fenced off on the left.
“Why don’t you go first, Moishe,” said John Callahan. Moishe was nervous – he wasn’t much of a golfer. He took a deep breath, teed off and hooked the ball in the direction of the road. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back right onto the green.
As they all stood in silent amazement, John finally asked Moishe, “How on earth did you do that?”
Moishe shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”

Marc S.

Holy Cow!

Avi, a devout Israeli farmer, lost his favorite Chumashthat
his grandfather passed down to him; Avi was distraught at
this carelessness.
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Chumashin
its mouth.
Avi the farmer couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle from Hashem!”
“Not really,” said the cow.
“Your grandfather’s name was written inside the cover.”

Alex D.

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