Jokes

[איפה פייביש]

Subject: Wonderfully Described Definitions


 

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
Rolled in paper
With fire at one end
And a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
Wherein
A man loses his bachelors degree
And a woman gains her masters

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
From the notes of the lecturer
To the notes of students
Without passing through the minds
Of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
Multiplied by the
Number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
A cake in such a way that
Everybody believes
He got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
Masculine will power is
Defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
Nobody listens
And everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
You are going to feel
A feeling
You have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
Which people praise,
But never read

SMILE:
A curve
That can set
A lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place
Where you can relax
After your strenuous
Home life

EXPERIENCE:
The name
Men give
To their
Mistakes

DIPLOMAT:
A person
Who tells you
To go to hell
In such a way
That you actually look forward
To the trip

MISER:
A person
Who lives poor
So that
He can die RICH!

BOSS:
Someone
Who is early
When you are late
And late
When you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
Shakes your hand
Before elections
And your Confidence
Later

DOCTOR:
A person
Who kills
Your ills
By pills,
And kills you
By his bills!

[קנאפער ידען]

גוט גוט, איינס ביי איינס!!! יישר כח פארן אהערברענגען.

[סמארט גאי]

גוט גוט, איינס ביי איינס!!! יישר כח פארן אהערברענגען.

[קיקיון]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A man drove went into a Manhattan bank and asked for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,” the man said.The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking lot for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
 Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back .
The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. 
“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “While you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow money?”
he man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks, and pay only $15.40?”

[מיסטעריעז]

[יאנקעלע קליגער]

גוט גוט!

[סמארט גאי]

קומט פון רבי מיכעלע נתני

[chocolate]

פארוואס דארף מען צוויי אשכולות פון וויצן און עס איז נישט גענוג מילתא דבדיחותא?

[יאנקעלע קליגער]

די אשכול איז פאר JOEKS אויף די ענגלישע שפראך, משא"כ די מילתא דבדיחותא אשכול.

[קיקיון]

Things people say that annoy me

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? 

2. People who are willing to get up to search the entire room for the a\c remote because they refuse to walk to the a/c and change the setting manually.

3. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too".What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say, "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?! 
 

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya ? ?

6. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, and can't be new.

7.When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

הבהרה אלס והייתם נקיים
דאס קומט פון אן אימעיל

[chocolate]

very funny

[קיקיון]

very funny

did you mean that seriously or were you being
snide

[סמארט גאי]

very funny

And im serious

[קיקיון]

very funny

And im serious

[קיקיון]

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Q: Why was נח the greatest businessman? 
A: He kept his company afloat when the rest of  he world was in liquidation.

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Tax advisor: “You should pay your taxes with a smile,” . 
Taxpayer: “I tried that three times, but they only accept cash or check.”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Manager: “What is the meaning of this? When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years’ experience, and now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever had.”
Trainee: “Well,in your job advertisement you said you wanted somebody
with imagination.”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Joe: “I’m a walking economy.”
Jack: "“How so?” 
Joe:“ My hair line is in recession, my stomach is  inflated, and  together  theyare putting me into a deep depression!”

הבהרה אלס והייתם נקיים
דאס קומט פון אן ארטאקסישע מאגאזין מיט א משגיח

[chocolate]

very funny

did you mean that seriously or were you being
snide

Why would you think like that?
I mostly liked number 5

[קיקיון]

I couldn't resist a good Tzip

[קיקיון]

32

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Sammy and Ralph took the same  test for an engineering job. Both applicants, who had the same qualifications missed
only one question.

The manager to Sammy: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give Ralph the job.”

Sammy: “Why? We both got nine out of 10 questions correct.”

Manager: “We made our decision based not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

Manager: “Simple. Ralph anwered question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You answered  ‘Neither do I.’ "

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Interviewer:" I must say your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job there’s not much positive
in that.” 

Applicant": “Yes there is,At least I’m not a quitter!”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Abe:“Boss ! We’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

Boss: “Sorry, Abe,but we’re short-handed. I can’t give you the day off.”

Abe: “Perfect, thanks!I knew I could depend on you!”

הבהרה אלס והייתם נקיים
דאס קומט פון אן ארטאדאקסישע מאגאזין מיט א משגיח

[זאכליך]

Office Arithmetic
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.

[קיקיון]

Office Arithmetic
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production.
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime.

If the boss is dumb how does he know to appreciate

[זאכליך]

I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement.n
Leave a trail of bread crumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it."n
An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!"n

[קיקיון]

הבהרה אלס והייתם נקיים
דאס קומט פון אן ארטאדאקסישע מאגאזין מיט א משגיח
בשעת שרייבען נישט געויסט אז עס איז נישט דער צייט דערפאר

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

There was a huge snowstorm and the principal called one of the   Rebbes, “R’ Moshe, you don’t have to come in today. Only 6 children have shown up due to the snow.”
R’ Moshe: That’s OK, I’m coming in anyway.
Principal: I admire your dedication rabbi but it’s not necessary.
R’ Moshe: It’s definitely necessary. In my house there are 15 children!

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Teacher: Malkie, give me a sentence that starts with “I.”
Malkie: I is...—
Teacher: No, Malkie. Always say “I am.”
Malkie: Okay. I am the ninth letter in the alphabet

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Q: What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?     A: A teacher says, “Spit out that gum!” and a train says, “Chew chew!” 
Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? A: Because her students were bright! 
Q: Why was the teacher cross-eyed?  A: She couldn’t control her pupils! 
Q: What is the smartest state? A: Alabama, it has four A’s and one B!

[קיקיון]

3825

הבהרה אלס והייתם נקיים
דאס קומט פון אן ארטאדאקסישע מאגאזין מיט א משגיח
בשעת שרייבען נישט געויסט אז עס איז נישט דער צייט דערפאר

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A teacher nervous on his first day teaching English and grammar to inmates in prison: Who can tell me what a sentence is?

[קיקיון]

14

הבהרה אלס והייתם נקיים
דאס קומט פון אן ארטאדאקסישע מאגאזין מיט א משגיח

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Joey: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Joey: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Mom: Wake up. It’s time to go to school.
Son: But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.
Mom: Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.
Son: Well, the kids hate me, for one thing, and the teachers don’t like me, either!
Mom: Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on, now, and get ready.
Son: Give me one reason why I should go to school.
Mom: You’re the principal!

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

An English teacher was lecturing to his class one day. 
“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form
a negative.” 
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

[קאווע באנדל]

It was erev shabbos 15 mins before the zman, the tish was nice and clean prepared, a nice white tishtech lekuved shabbos with fresh chales on the table and nice estzeig with clean glazlech & bechers, the house smelled fresh after the wife worked to clean the floors... And then someone ring the bell, the lady opened the door and she sew the handyman that she called for 2 weaks ago to fix a bulb finaly arrived, the handy man came in with his shoes full of dirt & mud, the lady had no other option she had to let him in cuz she needed this light fixed for shabbos, then the handyman said that he has to stand on the table to fix the light, so the lady ran fast to bring a hantech to put under his shoes he shouldn make dirty the clean tishtech, then the handyman said to her: its ok its ok i dont need it i can reach the light im tall enough!!