Jokes

געשמאקע ארטיקלן און בילדער וכדו'

די אחראים: אחראי, געלעגער

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 16, 2007 10:24 pm
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Jokes

תגובהדורך אלעקסיי » פרייטאג נובעמבער 09, 2007 10:37 am

כ'האב געקלערט אז אלע ווערטליך אויף די גוי'אישע שפראכע געהערט ענדערש אין א באזונדערען געהענגל, דעריבער אומר ועושה האב איך דא ערצייגט א פרישן אשכול ספעציעל פאר ווערטליך אויף די ענגלישע שפראכע, ולא יתערב זר במחנינו, והכל על מקומו יבא בשלום.

A guy gets pulled over for doing 75 in 50 mph zone. The cop says, "Let me see your license and registration."
The guy says, "I don't have either."
"You sure your registration isn't in the glove compartment?", says the cop.
"No, that's where I have the gun," was the response.
"What gun?" asked the cop
"The gun I killed my wife with", said the guy, "Her body is in the trunk."
"Keep your hands on the wheel. I'm calling for backup," said the officer.
Soon the sergeant arrives and says "Let me see your cards."
"Sure," said the driver as he gives him his license and registration.
"What's this about a gun in the glove compartment?", inquired the sergeant.
As the guy opened his empty glove compartment he said "I have no gun."
"What about your wife's body in the trunk?," asked the sergeant.
"My wife's at home," said the guy. "Did this policeman tell you all this stuff? Next thing you know, he'll be telling you I was speeding."



Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."


A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, feeling the warmth of having done a good deed, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.


After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."


A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"


Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:
"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAY STATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."
His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf."
The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is...".
א געשליפן צינגל – עקלדיג, א שלעכט צינגל – א רשע.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דינסטאג יוני 27, 2006 2:15 pm
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תגובהדורך סאכדעס » פרייטאג נובעמבער 09, 2007 1:26 pm

Thaanks alexei

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג פאברואר 12, 2007 11:55 am
לאקאציע: kipka

תגובהדורך דרך אגב » זונטאג נובעמבער 11, 2007 3:27 pm

זייער אגוטע איינפאל, THANK YOU

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 16, 2007 10:24 pm
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תגובהדורך אלעקסיי » זונטאג נובעמבער 11, 2007 4:15 pm

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbours did."



Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"


A woman asks her husband, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"
"Of course not," he replied. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money."


Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
א געשליפן צינגל – עקלדיג, א שלעכט צינגל – א רשע.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 16, 2007 10:24 pm
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תגובהדורך אלעקסיי » מאנטאג נובעמבער 12, 2007 2:59 pm

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"



A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."



The General went out into the barracks square to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least the G.I. was here so he let the him go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting, and he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No sir," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Two guys were sitting in a bar talking about their relatives.
"My grandfather," said the first guy, "knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
"Wow, that's incredible," his friend replied. "How did he know all of that?"
And the first guy said, "A judge told him."



One night a fire started inside a large chemical plant. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault. I'll give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president offered $100,000, but the fire was just too bad. Just then another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the fire was extinguished. Joyous the company president walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. He asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"



A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all the while banging his gavel. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You darned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel, and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I needed to borrow one?!"


As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."


A father was examining his son's report card.
"One thing is definitely in your favor," he announced. "With this report card, you couldn't possibly be cheating."
א געשליפן צינגל – עקלדיג, א שלעכט צינגל – א רשע.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 16, 2007 10:24 pm
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תגובהדורך אלעקסיי » דינסטאג נובעמבער 13, 2007 10:28 am

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302...
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302".
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me nothin.....


A guy returns from a trip and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."
"G.A.S.H ?" replies the patient. "What the heck is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, Aids, Sars, and Herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do about it !!?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."


A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"


Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football. Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon.
The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."


Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together and they were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story hotel.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"


"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."



A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
א געשליפן צינגל – עקלדיג, א שלעכט צינגל – א רשע.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג סעפטעמבער 02, 2007 11:20 am
לאקאציע: אין די גלייזן

תגובהדורך אנדי פעטיט » דאנארשטאג נובעמבער 15, 2007 9:39 pm

Here is why you should always make sure your e-mail address you are sending to is correct.


A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
הייב אויף דיינע הענטעלעך צום טאטע אין הימל!

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מיטוואך נובעמבער 15, 2006 2:40 am
לאקאציע: אין די חיפוש

תגובהדורך מאשקע » דאנארשטאג נובעמבער 15, 2007 10:40 pm

cha cha cha...
An article a day keeps the babies away

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג סעפטעמבער 02, 2007 11:20 am
לאקאציע: אין די גלייזן

תגובהדורך אנדי פעטיט » מאנטאג נובעמבער 19, 2007 10:35 am

A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known
many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name .... and forgot to write a letter.
הייב אויף דיינע הענטעלעך צום טאטע אין הימל!

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג סעפטעמבער 02, 2007 11:20 am
לאקאציע: אין די גלייזן

תגובהדורך אנדי פעטיט » מאנטאג נובעמבער 19, 2007 10:35 am

A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks,
"Is anything all right?"
הייב אויף דיינע הענטעלעך צום טאטע אין הימל!

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 16, 2007 10:24 pm
לאקאציע: בערג און טאלען
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תגובהדורך אלעקסיי » מאנטאג נובעמבער 19, 2007 10:49 am

לא כאפטתני
ביי די וועי: געהערט עס אין טעקסט מעססעדזשעס אשכול
עניוועי, יישר כח
א געשליפן צינגל – עקלדיג, א שלעכט צינגל – א רשע.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג סעפטעמבער 02, 2007 11:20 am
לאקאציע: אין די גלייזן

תגובהדורך אנדי פעטיט » מאנטאג נובעמבער 19, 2007 10:51 am

פשט איז אז אידישע פרויען קענען נישט אויף הערן קאמפלעינען.

עס געהערט נישט אין טעקסט מעסעדז אשכל ווייל איך האב עס נישט באקומען אויך א טעקסט מעסעדז.
לעצט פאראכטן דורך אנדי פעטיט אום מאנטאג נובעמבער 19, 2007 10:55 am, מאל פאראכטן געווארן 1 סך הכל.
הייב אויף דיינע הענטעלעך צום טאטע אין הימל!

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אוגוסט 16, 2007 10:24 pm
לאקאציע: בערג און טאלען
פארבינד זיך:

תגובהדורך אלעקסיי » מאנטאג נובעמבער 19, 2007 10:54 am

למאי נפקא מינה, לכאורה ווענדט זיך עס אין וויפיל קאראקטארן עס פארמאגט.

אגב, ביני לביני כאפטיתני וכאפטיתני, עס שטייט:
anything
כ'האב נישט באמערקט, געמיינט אז עס שטייט:
everything
א געשליפן צינגל – עקלדיג, א שלעכט צינגל – א רשע.

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג סעפטעמבער 02, 2007 11:20 am
לאקאציע: אין די גלייזן

תגובהדורך אנדי פעטיט » פרייטאג דעצמבער 07, 2007 10:48 am

An elderly man had for many years as his only companion an old dog that passed away..

The grieving man went to see his Rabbi and asked if he would arrange to say Kaddish for the dog.

The rabbi said, "Kaddish is only for humans, not for animals. However, there's a new Reform congregation down the street a block or two. You go there and ask if they'll say Kaddish for the dog; they may just be meshuggenah enough to do this for you."

The old man thanked him, and said, "Do you suppose they'll also accept my $175,000 donation in memory of my little Moishe?"

"Hold it!, shouted the rabbi, "You didn't tell me your dog was Jewish!"
הייב אויף דיינע הענטעלעך צום טאטע אין הימל!

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג סעפטעמבער 29, 2014 6:14 pm
לאקאציע: דא!

תגובהדורך גערעכטער » זונטאג מארטש 08, 2015 10:27 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Three Pastries

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.”

The Jew then says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you
an honest way to get the
same result.”


קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks
for a third pastry and eats
that one, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?”


The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket.....”
הק' איש ימיני

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דינסטאג אוקטובער 20, 2009 2:43 pm

תגובהדורך לכאורה » מאנטאג מארטש 09, 2015 12:21 am

חחח
בַּיָמִים הָהֵם אַין פְּרֶעזִידֶענְט בָּאַמֶערִיקֶע וגו' (טְרָמְְּפּ א' א')
#קאוופעפ"ע בלעז

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג דעצמבער 10, 2009 8:45 am

תגובהדורך פריילאך » מאנטאג מארטש 09, 2015 12:41 pm

Obesity is not because it runs in the family. It is because no one runs in the family.
ŽŽ
Lawyer: I have good news and bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene. Client: Oh no! I’m ruined! What’s the good news? Lawyer: Your cholesterol is down to 130!
ŽŽ
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
ŽŽ
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
ŽŽ
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
ŽŽ
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
ŽŽ
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
ŽŽ
Q: Why do we have a Haggadah on Pesach? A: So we can Seder right words.
מען זאגט לחיים און מ'איז פריילאך, און מען גייט א קאראהוט

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אפריל 24, 2014 5:48 pm

תגובהדורך בנימין הלוי » מאנטאג מארטש 09, 2015 1:02 pm

light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak


One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced think of your 3 closest friends if they seem okay then you're the one
* "סמארטפאן איז נישט קיין נעוויירע אבער וואס סמארטפאן קען צוברענגען קענען גרויסע עבירות נישט ברענגען" (סמארטפאן זה לא עבירה, אך מה שהעבירה הכי חמורה לא מצליחה לעשות לאדם, הסמארטפאן עושה)

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » מאנטאג מארטש 23, 2015 5:07 pm

מרדכי שיללער אין HAMODIA ציטירט א לערער אין EVENING SCHOOL ווי אנגעקומענע פליטים האבען געלערנט עמגליש
אין אנהייב ניינצענער יארען
Scan_Pic0002.jpg

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דאנארשטאג אפריל 02, 2015 3:46 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected
a huge sign which read, “BEST AGENTS.”
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on the other side, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, “LOWEST COMMISSIONS.”
The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: “MAIN ENTRANCE.”


קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
“Yeah,” the man said, “I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”


קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A big, burly man visited the rabbi’s home and asked to see the rabbi’s wife,a woman well known for her charitable instincts.
Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the rabbi’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

When a real-estate agency hadn’t sold our house, we decided to do it ourselves.I placed ads in the local papers, spray painted a “For Sale” message on a sign board and posted it outside. When my husband came home that evening, he told me, laughing, that my sign was the most truthful one he had ever seen. Confused, I rushed outside to take a look. In my haste I had printed  – “For Sale by Ower.”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

A very successful real estate broker had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.
“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my real estate office. All you have to do is go to the office
every day and learn the business.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate sales. I can’t stand agents.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some the paperwork.”
“I hate paperwork,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of my real estate office, but you don’t like sales and won’t work in an office. What am I going
to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

An agent who was being paid by the week approached his office manager and held up his last paycheck.
“This is $200 less than we agreed on,” he said.
“I know,” the manager said. “But last week I overpaid you $200, and you never complained.”
“Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake,” the agent answered, “but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.”

credit Community Magazine

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: דאנארשטאג אפריל 24, 2014 5:48 pm

תגובהדורך בנימין הלוי » דינסטאג אפריל 14, 2015 8:26 pm

?Can I ask you a question

.Sure! And now you can ask another if you wish
* "סמארטפאן איז נישט קיין נעוויירע אבער וואס סמארטפאן קען צוברענגען קענען גרויסע עבירות נישט ברענגען" (סמארטפאן זה לא עבירה, אך מה שהעבירה הכי חמורה לא מצליחה לעשות לאדם, הסמארטפאן עושה)

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » פרייטאג מאי 01, 2015 2:56 pm

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Jack, considerably overweight and not at all that bright, asked Dr. Smith for help with losing weight. The doctor advised Jack to run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, she promised, would help Jack lose as much as 20 pounds in a month.  Jack, naturally very excited, followed Dr. Smith’s advice to the letter, and after 30 days, he was delighted to find that he had indeed, lost 20 pounds. Ecstatic, Jack phoned Dr. Smith and thanked her profusely for the wonderful advice which had produced such a tremendous result.                                At the end of the conversation, however, he asked one
last question: “How do I get home now, Doctor, since I am 300 miles away?”

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Isaac’s rabbi told him that the way to achieve true inner peace was to always finish what he started.  So today, Isaac has finished two bags of potato crisps, a gallon of
ice cream, two buckets of chicken, and a chocolate cake.  He feels much better already.

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Needing to shed a few pounds, Robert and his wife Jennifer went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions very closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their individual portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry. As time progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were actually putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they found their error.     There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: “Serves 6.”
.

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

I joined a health club last year, spent about $450. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to
go there.
 

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Don’t forget, your brain needs exercise, too. So, spend lots of time thinking of excuses for not working out.

קאוד: וועל אויס אלע

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.


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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » דינסטאג מאי 05, 2015 7:43 am

UFO.gif

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: זונטאג דעצמבער 19, 2010 5:23 pm

Jokes in English

תגובהדורך זאכליך » פרייטאג יולי 03, 2015 12:50 pm

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and Joy. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me!"1

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.1

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try to stop me."1

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
1
החותם, זאכליך.
קאמפלימענטן- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -קריטיק

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זיך איינגעשריבען אום: מאנטאג יולי 16, 2012 11:11 am

תגובהדורך קיקיון » זונטאג יולי 05, 2015 10:43 pm

בילד


צוריק צו “היימישע קרעטשמע”

ווער איז אונליין

באנוצערס וואס דרייען זיך דא: נישטא קיין איינגעשריבענע באנוצערס און 16 געסט